Dear 17-year- old-AMC worker,
Thank you for waiting patiently for me to leave theatre 15 tonight. I know it took me a bit longer than everyone else to exit, and I know you were waiting very patiently to sweep up the stray popcorn and M&Ms.
You see, for the past 4 months my daughter, Gracie, has been asking to see the movie “Breakthrough.” She saw the trailer and has not been able to get it out of her head. We don’t usually go to the theatre but one time a year ($85.00…seriously?!), so we’ve kind of dismissed her requests as they’ve come up.
But then my husband had a brilliant plan to incentivize Gracie with a goal she’s needed to work on (another story for another day) and she succeeded! The reward was “Breakthrough” for Gracie’s “breakthrough.”
My husband and I decided to both take her on this date because it was such a big deal. We had the theatre to ourselves (except for another couple that slipped in late) and I was looking forward to sitting for a couple of hours and relaxing. I obviously didn’t know what I was in for (Does that ever happen to you? Do you get discounted movie tickets, by the way? Maybe I need to consider moonlighting at AMC…).
As we watched this movie about a boy who drowned and then fought for his life, I was brought back to all that we experienced with our daughter. You see, back in 2010, we sat in a hospital room and we weren’t sure if our daughter would live. During a particular scene where this boy’s school community surrounded them and prayed, I started to lose it. I cried and it was strange because I didn’t know why it was hitting me so hard. Then I realized I was crying because everyone was sacrificing their time and energy praying for this boy…And I had never really cried and thanked God for everyone who had prayed for us.
It felt so odd, crying a decade later and telling God thank you for our prayer warriors. But it also felt so good…like a dam that had been pent up for years was finally being released.
The movie continued and (spoiler alert…BTW, have you seen this movie yet?) the boy survived. But, that wasn’t really the climax. He struggled to understand why he had lived. Why did God choose to preserve his life while He allowed so many others to die?
The movie ended and we stayed in our seats, sandwiching Gracie with a hug during the credits. I was still crying, feeling freshly thankful for all the gifts God had given. Colby and Gracie left the theatre, but I got on my knees and just felt the deep gratitude for the first time.
And that’s when I realized it. I have been too consumed with guilt to feel gratitude. Sure, I’ve tossed pennies of thanks to the Lord, almost flippantly, like coins to a fountain. But I have never dove deep into the waters of gratitude and genuinely drunk it in.
The guilt of surviving.
I heard the term “survivor’s guilt” last year when I was watching a documentary about 9/11 survivors. Something about that word resonated with me, but I didn’t know what it was.
But, today I knew. I knew that there was a deep survivor’s guilt that I’ve been carrying around for a decade. There has been a wall of “But, what about THEM?”that keeps my ‘thanks’ shallow and full of silent questions. It prevents me from falling at His feet, weeping and clinging to Him while crying thank you. It prevents me looking deeply into His eyes and genuinely meaning it.
So, ma’am, I do apologize that you had to sit and wait, but there was real soul work to be done, and we don’t always get to pick the times that this will happen. But perhaps you can better understand now why I emerged from theatre 15 with eyes puffy and knees dusty…
Perhaps someday you will know. Perhaps someday you will walk out of a theatre and watch your child skip through the evening sunset like there isn’t a care in the world and marvel at it all. Perhaps you will love and lose… or at least think you’re going to lose. Perhaps you will see the power of prayer first hand. Perhaps you will be in awe watching God intervene as you plead and beg. Perhaps you will learn to be grateful for it… even if that means choosing to trust instead of trying to figure it all out on your own.
If you ever do…well…I do hope you find an AMC worker as gracious as yourself.
Thank you for your patience and next time I’ll stay to help you sweep.
With gratitude for your selfless service,
Annie B.
