I wrote this poem a few years ago and thought I’d repost it for American Heart Month. I was brought to tears today thinking about how well our heart baby is doing. I’m just so thankful for all that God has taught us. To read the whole story of my journey as a heart mom, check out my new book HERE.
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I am a heart mom.
I have felt, at a twenty-week ultrasound, floorboards cracking and giving way under my jumping, celebrating feet as the words Congratulations, it’s a girl were chased away all too quickly with There is something wrong with your baby’s heart.
I know the torment of wondering, wrestling, and combating a viscous voice that whispers, This is all your fault…
I know the pain of weeping in my husband’s arms after a baby shower, unsure if my baby would ever wear her new, pink clothes.
I am a heart mom.
I know the fear of labor pains in a cold room, deep groanings of the unknown drawing near.
I have given birth for an audience of doctors and nurses and students and fellows.
I have watched my baby–still wet and fresh–plucked from my arms and ushered to a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit where she would be sustained.
I have sat in a NICU with brittle, four-pound lives, warm under heat lamps like delicate plants, praying over my baby.
I have guarded my heart, afraid to love something I wasn’t so sure I could keep.
I am a heart mom.
I have held a baby with cords and wires and A-lines and tubes and all the while held my breath and my heart so it wouldn’t scrape.
I have pumped my milk throughout the night, throughout the day, in bathroom stalls, in parking lots, in dressing rooms, in public, in private, in the heat, in the cold…wishing I could give more than all that I had.
I have said goodbye to a daughter I just met so she could be delivered to a doctor who would stop her heart…in an attempt to make it whole.
I have endured waiting rooms painted white like faces bleached with fear.
A stomach that is so nervous it feels poisonous.
The shaking. The waiting. The surgery you can’t be there to control.
I am a heart mom.
I have felt the hand of a little life grab my finger and hold it…asking silently for me to lead her.
I have spent days that turn into nights on the seventh floor, all around me the Intensive Care Unit beeping and humming and pumping and upholding.
I have heard those sounds in my dreams.
I have sat in numb confusion while my baby lived…and the baby on the other side of the curtain didn’t.
I have questioned God and His goodness.
I have brought a baby home–so vulnerable and trusting–with a pulse-ox machine never far and CPR training notes posted high on the bulletin board.
I have sanitized people head to toe before letting them enter my home, missed Christmas parties, dinner parties, and birthday parties in fear of the germs in attendance.
I have nurtured a bruised baby with scars in vulnerable places.
I have awoken in the middle of the night to the frantic words, “I’m taking her to the Emergency Room.”
I have watched her heal and witnessed the miracle of recovery.
I have fed her her first bites of food.
Watched her take her first steps.
Say her first words.
I have leaned hard on God and He has proven Himself sturdy.
I have seen His grace.
I have tasted His love.
I am a heart mom.
And my world will never be the same.
I’m the nana to a 11 1/2 year old with HLHS , yes you are a heart mom cause God chose you he knew you would be able to withstand the valleys and the mountains to climb .. Thank you for sharing . ❤️
What a beautiful tribute to all heart moms.. This is exactly what my daughter went through with the exception they did not know their daughter had a CHD. 4 hours after birth their world was turned upside down..& all you can do is put it in God’s hands which we have all done..you are all an inspiration to those who await the unknown. God bless you & your family.
Beautifully written I have felt all of those same emotions with both of my children who have heart defects. But they each have different outcomes. You expressed what I have felt perfectly!!
What an incredibly poignant, INSPIRING tale of your journey! God bless your family!
I am a heart mom of a now 27 year old baby girl who just thru the grace of God just underwent what should be her last surgery on January 4th / 2016 where she had an aortic valve replacement. 4 weeks postop is doing amazing. I feel like after reading your post, it is so my story n speaks right to my heart
Wow. Perfect. This poem speaks to the soul of anyone who’s a heart mom. Amen.
I too am a heart Mom and my daughter’s story is still being written. A friend sent me this poem. It is beautiful and speaks volumes. I’m laying with my Princess in the PICU as she continues to fight. And it is good to read about God’s goodness even in the most ambiguous situations.
That is a story I too know its a dream that you don’t wake up from, it continues …
Wow- brought me to tears. You captured the whirlwind of emotions I watched my daughter go through. My granddaughter was diagnosed with a heart defect invitro at also at the 20 week mark.
So glad to hear your little one is thriving. Our Princessa (haha) is doing well too ❤️❤️
Wow awesome I am a father of two children that of CHDs as well as myself, why we are chosen to have these journeys I am not sure. My youngest is six just had her second surgery in November and she has TA, My oldest is 11 and has pulmonary stenosis and myself have TF have had two open heart operations. We also found out when Bekah was born my youngest that we all have DiGeorge Syndrome which I basically lived my whole life not knowing ….
God gives us streagnth and courage to be strong for are kids …
Bless u
AJ
I am not a heart mom but non the less have been through so much of this you see my daughter has CF. This made me cry, made me remember the bad days, the machines, the fear. I was told my daughter would never reach 7, she graduated high school last month. She is a blessing, my rock, and a true miracle.
Lisa, it’s encouraging to hear that your daughter is thriving. God bless you!