I have been working tirelessly on the final edits on a book about our journey with Gracie, and I’m not sure what to think…
Recently as I was getting ready to send this manuscript to an agent, I had insomnia four nights in a row. I couldn’t understand why, but finally came up with an analogy that expressed how I was feeling.
It was as though I had invited a bunch of people over to my house because I wanted to feed them a nice, home cooked Italian meal…and then…hours before the guests arrived, I realized…I didn’t have the slightlest clue how to do that. I had never made a home-cooked Italian meal before…what had I been thinking?
It was my original desire to write this book so I could help others who are going through something similar. However, as I’ve gotten closer to the finish line on this project, I’ve discovered how weak I am to communicate anything at all. I’ve wanted this book to help others, but I’ve had trouble putting into words what God has even taught me. And I haven’t been sure if I’ve even learned those lessons well enough to tell others about them.
Not only that, but…keeping with the dinner analogy…I begin to look around my house and see it from someone else’s eyes. There are major projects that need to be worked on. Paint that is peeling. Doors that are rusty. Suddenly, I’m embarrassed for everyone to see where I live. They might find out that I don’t recycle…Or that sometimes I do recycle, but I don’t rinse the cans before putting them into the bin.
I guess this is called vulnerability and that’s what it takes to share something from the heart. I guess it feels vulnerable to share something…because maybe I am alone. Maybe I am the only one who crumbles under the stress and the only one whose faith is so brittle.
The only thing that keeps me going back and working on this is all the parents out there who are hurting. Maybe I could say something to comfort…Maybe I could point them to the One who is always with them.
This is truly the motivation. That God would use this story to bring hope and healing and help through a relationship with Jesus Christ.
There is still so much editing to be done, so I must rinse off the fears and clothe myself with trust.
God, have mercy…Writing is so hard.